embrace connection, become medicine

(OR : THROUGH THE LENS OF CPTSD)

helpful resources at the end…

i’ve been able to release old coping habits that were keeping me stuck in a loop. 

I’ve confronted old beliefs—- I’m not defective, I have trauma responses!! 

I even started dipping my toes into a deep fear of mine: financial literacy // (who else knows the stress from dopamine impulse buys paired with credit cards? )

I’m just looking to be free. 

I wrote this post (beginning down below) two years ago when I was deep in my cptsd awakening. Ctpsd can show up in many colors , like anxiety- depression- adhd- and self- limiting behaviors. 

I just want to say that my parents are wonderful people that I enjoy spending time with and I can say the same thing about my 12 siblings. My family is actually more stable and kind than most.

As I’ve healed, triggers are reduced and I can exist in a more relaxed state around my family. 

(In my 20’s as I navigated life after Mormonism and divorce there were some pretty intense interactions that activated my toxic shame in a big way. And of course I 100% still get angry with some of my siblings but oh well who doesn’t? One Taurus sibling to be specific  ) 

It’s wonderful to release and shed and step more fully into my creative power as a conscious being. 

I’m not yet without neuroticism/

I can worry for hours at night about my children,

Life, the unknown—- I can get disappointed in how I perceive my now heavier body— 

But I can also recognize how far I’ve come. //////////////

from the journal: (please enjoy the way wordpress interprets my numerous emojis, as this has been copy and pasted from my phone notes.)

Breaking free from shame

I just want you to know that you can heal your shame. Feel. Embrace. Integrate shadow. Live deeper. 

Probing deep into my wounds and shadows, this Scorpio season.

Toxic shame. 

The truth is, my parents had too many kids.

Often it is the nature of our existence that provides the wounding.

Devout religious parents trying their best, me, number 10 of 13 children. 

Emotionally neglected young children reaching out for comfort, and learning that comfort was not available. Cry it out. Again and again and again.

And again.

The emotional resources were spare. (The black hole of my nighttime anxiety deepens. 

Pull your baby brothers out of the crib when they’re crying because you’re projecting your despair. )

The home environment was often chaotic, and not a particularly loving place. This was mainly from the amount of young people growing up together and my parents doing their best to maintain order. And absolutely I have siblings who will sincerely tell you they had the best childhood ever- siblings who grew up feeling loved and adored. 

 Was there singing and games and journaling time? 

Campfires and hikes and road trips? Family chores and movies? Yes. I’m telling you my parents did a lot of great things. They’re not abusive- they’re actually creative, kind, intelligent individuals that diligently taught their children the True Gospel of Jesus Christ ™️

… but how in the actual duck can they give each child the care and attention they need? The neglect was mostly due to their hands being very full.)

I learned how to read very, very early and would hide away in books. For hours and hours, my first escape. I needed it desperately. There’s no way for a small body to handle anxiety, grief, feeling unwanted, unloved, unimportant—- the greatest irony of growing up with so many siblings yet not having a proper bond with any one in my home. 

I remember desperately needing my parents as a small child. My dad would push me off his lap and tell me I was too big. My mom would get frustrated with her “little shadow “ and put Cinderella on for me instead of connecting or comforting me. I had three little brothers by the time I was 5 (one of them chaotically autistic/high needs and my mom was still hoping for more kids before her body just could not grow any more babies.)

I definitely escaped in so many different ways as I got older. On and off again Stoner for nearly two decades!! 

I definitely learned how to act confident and became hyper independent- I was never able to feel comfortable confiding or sharing my feelings with my parents or siblings as I grew up. Classic avoidant-

Or disorganized attachment. 

Older siblings were at best indifferent, and sometimes incredibly cruel to the point of constant abuse, in which I had fear and panic when my parents would leave me in my sibling’s care, which was often. I’m guessing they hadn’t experienced enough love and compassion to be able to reflect it back to me .I was a loner. Wishing to feel connected.

 Where does one find comfort? 

One big sister was kind and doted on me… and frankly I’m not trying to call out my siblings here… we were all in the same ship with different roles, skills, strengths, etc…. Some of us were more equipped than others.

(Yes, my parents love me. They are good, kind, creative people… Yes, we had family prayer every morning and evening and we hiked and camped and stacked wood as a family. I loved our trips to rivers lakes the coast and Yosemite best. My mother sang while she bathed me and let me carry the chicken eggs in. My dad would show me the moonlight on the trees.)

I’ll continue…

Of course my teen pregnancy reinforced the idea I had that I was broken, corrupt, sinful. Not obedient. My fault. Consequences just for me. Religious trauma. 

Of course I’ve spent a lifetime in books, and sometimes extreme fantasies where I’m loved or whisked away… (where are you, hogwarts letter?!?!  )and disassociating/avoiding- and addictions…        escape. 

 my best options for emotional regulation. 

Of course I’ve been in abusive relationships- gravitating to those that validated me in any way, struggling through toxic romantic entanglements.

Of course I’ve experienced anxiety and depression. 

I’m looking in the fucking mirror.  

(I share this space with many of my siblings.  

And I want them to know that I know that everyone was absolutely doing their best.

Some of us were more resourced than others, depending on resilience of soul and when they were born 

And that I love them very much.

And believe it or not we all love spending time together . And my oldest sister did her best to take care of me and my many other siblings)

So, rainstorms Thunder tornadoes (tornadoes were a part of my dreams my entire childhood/ adolescence) lightning sunshine and rainbows. 

These are the colors and elements of life. 

Healing fucking hurts.

I’m tired of old resentments and feeling small-

Many times I’ve avoided family gatherings mainly because I don’t like the feelings and memories that still live in my nervous system.

I like feeling safe and at home with Chris and my kids.

Of course you can find me now in the garden, or mushroom hunting in the woods, playing with my baby, repairing relationships with my two oldest children, crafting dreams with my partner.

Each one of us has a wild soul and a life worth living .

I like the idea of breaking the chains of the past and becoming free- to create new relationships with my family based off of the person I am now-

More purposeful- aware- intentional- emotionally and chemically sober!! Pursuing my passions and taking care of my inner and outer world-

My siblings truly are beautiful people and it’s amazing that I have this functional giant family that gets together often, with loving parents that still live in my childhood home.

whew!- and i’ve been able to continue to heal so much since i last wrote the latter-

the lens of CPTSD (complex, or childhood post traumatic stress disorder)

has been very liberating because you can see where you are dysregulated and you can see how you can heal /

Learning about cptsd showed me where the root of my injury was and how to take care of myself. I caught unhelpful self sabotaging behaviors. I became aware of the things and I was able to shift patterns.. The reason why I believe it is so important to break free from the past because if you let the past dictate your future, which so many of us do, then you don’t really have a future, you’re just reliving your past. I was craving a new experience. I wanted to enjoy my life. I wanted to suck the marrow out of life- and the hardest part about anxiety, depression, and insomnia is that they absolutely drain and suck the life force from you and there is no ability or energy to create or feel joyful and your soul will say: “hey I want to enjoy this life”, but your body and mind will say: “I’m exhausted and scared” and that just sucks. I don’t want to live that way.

Over the span of 20 years I’ve seen about five different therapists or counselors /and I hear things like: depression ADHD anxiety anti-depressants benzodiazepines- And it wasn’t until I learned about complex post-traumatic stress disorder that I learned the tools to reregulate myself- to settle and uncover creative parts of myself. I had always been a creative person but when you’re living in survival or if you constantly feel stressed or anxious and you’re finding ways to cope it’s going to be hard to find your most authentic and healed soul.

i learned about emotional flashbacks, i learned about attachment theory- i looked deeply into my early childhood and so a great deal of benign neglect- – I remember terror at night as a tiny human, sobbing myself to sleep. (cry it out was the norm.) this is an injury to a developing nervous system. Folks will develop habits and sometimes maladaptive coping mechanisms. 15 years smoking weed (formerly) and a life time of emotional eating, i can attest. Don’t even mention the dissociation, leaving my body, and intense day dreaming. i remember having a stomach ache (anxiety) as a young human when my parents would leave me in the care of my older siblings—-

In healing I have no more blame / in healing I can see my experiences through the perspective of wisdom and time -and I feel forgiveness and understanding and compassion and appreciation. not all the time. but much more. 

I am so thankful for this journey. i’m so thankful for the ability to heal and finding more illumination on my path.

thanks for reading. thanks for joining me.

do you have a healing story you’d like to share? i’d love to hear it.

xoxo dolly

this book is a really great place to start– this was really eye opening.

this book has been life changing. i’m so thankful for dr joe dispenza/

this youtube channel is like rest for the soul– and it’s totally free somatic therapy.

i have absolutely loved this channel- Crappy childhood fairy has been such a great guide for healing.