embrace connection, become medicine

and transcend limiting beliefs –

my story-

it’s incredible to me how much we can fear our own power.

we can shake our heads stubbornly, defending our smallness. our lack. we can point out the sparseness of resources experienced as a child- “THERE WAS NO MONEY FOR COLLEGE!” we can wave our hands over our ailing bodies as if to say “HELLO, I”M LIMITED! WHAT POWER? maybe for other people, but not me.” we can get jealous of successful people, thinking “well, maybe they were properly nurtured as small children and therefore are more advantaged….duh!’

i’ve gone through waves, spirals, of healing and awakening. i make a little progress each time and feel like i’ve hit a summit–

like when i left mormonism in 2012– it was astounding to me that i was unaware of how i actually felt for so long – it was diabolical to me that i truly had so many repressed emotions, and was operating under a very archaic mind and body program. the sensations i felt after that were overwhelming— like i could see the sky for the very first time with my own eyes. i was experiencing myself like a newborn. i took flower essences like it was chemotherapy; saving my life from cancer. i thought i was HEALED.

this gave me enough vitality to leave a marriage born under the obligation of mormon ideals- and i set off into the world as a 26 year old new born with very little coping skills for nervous system regulation. i rented a room on the other side of the tracks with my two young sons from another single mom, i biked to kitchen jobs. i felt completely flattened by the responsibility. i found ways to cope- microdosing mushrooms and lots of nature walks when i could. i foraged wild foods and medicines and mushrooms as much as i possible in the urban wilds. i experienced a romantic entanglement that served no one but the body. i had tried starting an organic farm with this person and failed completely, sinking a lot of precious resources with no return.

i was stuck again. high with ideals and hopes, ungrounded, cursed to eek out rent with low paying work. i then started a relationship with a much older anthropology professor- who convinced me to get a food serving job for the tips, and to go back to school. i made more money and even cashed in some grant money for school while he paid half the rent as he and i moved into a small cottage. during all of this time i experienced a great deal of anxiety and depression, made even more potent with raging insomnia.

i thought, “i must be broken. maybe i need antidepressants or anti anxiety meds.” i had been court ordered to see a counselor with my ex husband during a custody ordeal— and after a few sessions together we decided to split them, so we both wouldn’t have to attend all ten. the counselor asked me if i had even been diagnosed with depression or adhd, and gave me a handy little pamphlet on depression. it irked me greatly. LIKE, maybe if your life doesn’t feel satisfying or if it feels really challenging it might be just that. people get depressed and anxious for a lot of reasons. i was not happy with her trying to pin a diagnosis on me. i started taking more flower essences. and vitamins d and b— i microdosed acid- i fermented kombucha and bread. i even found my very first patch of wild psychedelic mushrooms outside of my serving job during an evening break, and this changed a lot of things for me, mainly because the love of my life and now mycologist husband added me on facebook after i shared my finds on the local mushroom identification page. (so, deep gratitude always to the mushrooms for their connective and transformative powers.)

*****this leads me to another thought- psychedelics are radical wonderful tools but they are not a panacea. they cannot cure all spiritual or psychological ailments. if someone is truly dis-regulated there is inner and outer work to be done. if someone is addicted to their suffering, or a depressed/anxious/angry emotional state, it’ll take more than psychedelics to free oneself from those patterns… it takes effort, and conscious intent and awareness. i used to travel and teach about the spiritual and transformational powers of mushrooms like i was some terence mckenna wannabe…it turns out i still had a lot of healing and waking up to do.*****

…the be continued. xoxo

dolly

all photos by me—no AI was used in the making of this post.

coming next: falling in love, for real—dark nights of the soul (AGAIN?????) a brutal pregnancy, understanding toxic shame, and discovering /uncovering attachment theory and C-Ptsd. (and later breaking the habit of being yourself by dr joe dispenza et al et al)